Thursday, December 18, 2008

How I Spent My Sunday, aka Hangover Day, aka DAY OF THE SUPERGATOR

8:30: Wake up. Curse god, my lack of self control, and the toolbox who discovered fermentation's effect on grapes.

8:31: Also curse the Comcast music channels' taste in videos. Because this?

Is not of the lord. This causes four drunken girls to dance around screaming "A licky boom boom down" and then me waking up with it playing in a loop in my head.

9:15: Run to corner store to buy some Advil. Get asked by David the owner if I had a late night. Regret wearing my glasses and pajama pants out in public.

9:17: Go back to bed. When oh when will death come?

11:00: Wake back up. Swallow two more Advil and try not to die.

11:02: It's not working.

11:15: Watch 30 Rock. Allow the sweet sounds of Werewolf Bar Mitzvah wash away the pain.

3:00: Emerge from my bat cave.

5:00: Jess comes home bearing a gift from a student which, while a very kind gesture, can only be described as My God What IS That? The label says "fashion jewelry," but Jess' face says "I will only put this on to make my roommate laugh."


After much debating, and despite my tearful pleas that she wear it as a necklace, it is determined that it's a belt. Balls.

7:00: While watching football, stumble upon the WORLD'S BEST MOVIE on SciFi during a commericial break....Supergator! Starring Kelly "Oh Maverick, fill me with your dangerseed" McGillis!

7:01: Jess and I squeal in joy and immediately declare ourselves on team Supergator. The plot? A, uh, super gator occupies the same vicinity of vacationers and scientists in Hawaii. Chaos ensues. Glorious, delicious, blood splattered chaos.

7:13: Two random women appear, wearing the shortest short shorts in the history of Daisy Duke. As one of them smiles, her makeup cracks. Jess: "Gah! Now I know how old she is!"

7:14: Dub the aforementioned ladies "Asscheeks" and "Too Old For Pigtails."

7:18: Jess: "Did Kelly McGillis' face melt?" Me: "She's morphing into Rick Rossovich!"

7:20: Asscheeks and Too Old For Pigtails become a mid morning snack. Mourn by eating Christmas cookies and drinking wine. NO, I NEVER LEARN.

7:42: Kelly McGillis gets swallowed whole. Cue raucuous cheering. Me: "You haven't failed me yet, Supercroc!" Jess: "SuperGATOR." Me: "Apologies."

7:50: I manage to capture the best still from the movie yet:

Oh random fisherman, it's a travesty you had to die with that 'stache.

8:04: I fucking finally get a shot of the Supergator. He's part velocicraptor, part Yoshi.

8:06: Enjoy your hip shaking now, Hawaiians. Soon you shall be the tasty suckling pig of the supergator's luau!!

8:15: Forget what I said before. Supergator has likely spent time in the Hellmouth, since he's obviously related to the Mayor. The only way to bring him down is to chase him away with an empty box with "Ebola" written all over it.

"That's a spunky little girl you've raised. I'm going to eat her."

8:23: Supergator go boom. Jess and I sob uncontrollably into our bowls of eggnog ice cream and Bailey's.

8:30: Consider drowning grief by watching SciFi's next feature, Sharks in Venice. "Even Great Whites know that Italians make the best meal." Pass out from the awesomeness of the tagline.


Jeremy Feist said...

Werewolf Bar Mitzvah, Spooky, Scary, Boys becoming men, Men becoming wolves, AWOOOOOOOOO!

I hate myself.

And Oh my fucking Godtopus, are you serious? They make eggnog ice cream? I just cried tears of joy.

Julie said...

Turkey Hill Egg Nog ice cream. It is a gift from the gods of frozen deliciousness.

Jay said...

Aw shit, that was SEASONAL ice cream, wasn't it???